How Do You Minimize Everyday Chaos in a COVID-19 World?

Originally posted on Beyond Booksmart Blog: https://www.beyondbooksmart.com/executive-functioning-strategies-blog/how-establishing-routines-helps-students-cope-with-a-pandemic

Predictability. Just the word itself provokes a sense of calm. Unfortunately, the world we live in at the moment is probably going to be the most unpredictable we have and will ever experience and none of it is in our control. We have a choice to allow this fact to overwhelm us or we can focus on what we can control. What can we do to make our personal worlds more calm, stable, and enjoyable?  

One way to accomplish this is to establish daily routines that can create a sense of stability even if there are many unknowns in our life. Children and young adults particularly thrive when they can follow daily routines that remain more or less the same. This is especially true now. Establishing before school, after school, and nighttime routines is essential for promoting cooperation and minimizing frustration during otherwise chaotic times. Whether school is at home or in-person, creating consistent routines will help the whole family deal with everyday life with more openness and acceptance.

The first step is to determine the steps in the routines. Here are samples of daily routines geared for younger children for both in-person and remote learning. Older children also need routines but they may not need the specific steps to be as detailed or even written down. 

In-School Learning

Before School:

Get ready for the day

Eat breakfast & Check-in - 

How are you doing today?

Pack backpack

Put on shoes and jacket

After School

Unpack backpack

Eat snack

Play outside

Do homework

Get ready for sports

Go to practice

Nighttime

Eat dinner

Take a shower

Watch one TV show

Brush teeth

Go to bed

Remote Learning

Morning

Get ready for the day

Eat breakfast & Check-in - 

How are you doing today?

Create an agenda for the day

Morning movement 

Start school work 

Take a break - social time with friends

Afternoon

Eat lunch

Do school work 

Exercise

Have social time with friends

Relax

Evening

Eat dinner

Take a shower

Watch one TV show

Brush teeth

Go to bed

Once you have created your routines (i.e., morning, after school, nighttime), you want to be sure all of your family members know those routines. Here are some tips on how you can easily communicate daily routines for you and your family: 

• Post visual schedules in pictures for non-readers and words for readers so that everyone knows the plan for the day. This can be done via computer, chalkboard, bulletin board, or whiteboard. There are also many apps that help you create the schedules and either view them on a device or print them out. Cozi is a great app that can be shared with older children. Print weekly schedules and post them. You can also create a monthly calendar of family events and post the calendar. Everyone can look forward to enjoyable events and be prepared for those less preferred activities. 

• Highlight changes and unusual events in your schedule and then discuss them ahead of time so that everyone knows what is going to happen. 

• For children and adults who may have difficulty remembering all the tasks required during morning, after school, or nighttime routines, create a visual schedule of the specific steps involved in the routine. Some kids really like to check off completed steps while others like to see the routine outlined and posted in one place. Be sure to post it in a location that makes sense for the routine. For example, post the nighttime or morning dressing routine in the bedroom or bathroom. 

• Use checklists and charts to outline chores, rules, and other expectations you would like to communicate (and track, i.e. chores). You can also use charts to track chore completion and make rewards easy to determine. 

• If children are doing remote learning, creating a daily agenda that includes any synchronous classes, required school work, social time, and exercise. Making written agendas/To Do lists will help everyone stay focused and be productive. Checking off completed tasks will also be very rewarding.

Although routines require some work up front, the pay-off can be huge. You will find that your family is on top of things, less stressed, and more cooperative. They may even start asking, “What’s the plan?” and “Where is the schedule?”.  

One last tip - establish a nice routine for yourself. Make Mondays your day to have lunch with a friend or colleague. Stop and get a coffee on your way to work or after you drop your kids off at school. Exercise on Fridays. Don’t forget to create your own sense of predictability in what seems to be an increasingly less stable world.

Parenting During the Pandemic - Back to Basics

Parenting is difficult enough on a regular day when the challenges are getting ready for school, getting to school on time, doing homework, and going to bed at a reasonable hour. Now, we must navigate life with children without any of these expected daily activities. And, we have to manage all of our children while working and keeping the house together without any of the routines, structures, suppots, and social outlets we are used to. How do we do this? 

It is about getting back to basics. 

1. Establish a new routine - Routines are more important than ever right now. Determine the routine that is best for you and your family. You can break up your day into morning, afternoon, and evening. Intersperse less preferred with more preferred activities, structured and unstructured activities, and collaborative and independent activities. Determine the routine based on your needs and responsibilities for the day. For example, schedule independent activities during a work call or while you are making dinner. Write the day’s schedule on a white/bulletin board or piece of paper. Include your child in the schedule-making process if you can. Be flexible with the schedule as you are able and within reason. Allow your child to ask to rearrange the order from time to time and honor that if you can.

2. Praise expected behaviors and ignore minor unexpected behaviors - This means showing your child that you appreciate and want to see more of wanted behavior. Example of behaviors to praise and appreciate: being helpful, talking nicely, doing a physical activity, accepting “no,” following the schedule, playing nicely with siblings, sharing, following directions, doing chores, completing school work, etc. You can say, “Thank you for listening” or “I really appreciate how nicely you are playing together.” This positive reinforcement will increase these behaviors in the future and create a more peaceful home. While you are praising and appreciating these positive behaviors, do your best to ignore minor inappropriate behaviors and redirect your child to the desired behavior. For example, when your child is whining, tell him/her to talk to you in a nice voice and then you will listen. Do not attend to the whining but rather model the appropriate asking.

   You may want to also consider implementing a simple reinforcement program through which you highlight and reward specific behaviors, such as asking nicely, doing schoolwork, and playing cooperatively with siblings. Your child can earn marbles or cotton balls in different size jars. When the jar is full, your child can earn an ice cream party, new game for family game night, or special activity. Sticker charts work well also. It is important for your child to earn the small rewards and the backup reward quickly so that they understand the system. 

3. Use First/Then - Throughout the day, you can ask your child to do things by using, First/Then language. For example, “First get dressed, then we can play a game” or “First, do your school work, then we can go for a walk.” 

4. Consider additional support your child may need - Children who have learning, attention, behavioral, developmental, or social-emotional challenges may need additional support to help them manage their own anxiety and stress and to engage in appropriate and productive behaviors throughout the day. Consider reaching out to your school and outside providers for strategies.

Contact Lisa Gurdin for more individualized home-based supports at lsgurdin@gmail.com. Virtual parent coaching is now available.

How to Make Your Child Listen to You - Without Talking Back!

As initially posted in Beyond Booksmart Blog: https://www.beyondbooksmart.com/executive-functioning-strategies-blog/how-to-get-your-child-to-listen-to-you-with-less-talking-back

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is realizing that your child will not always listen to what you say just because you say it. This is a tough nugget to swallow - shouldn’t children just listen to their parents? Isn’t it just enough to say: “Because I said so.”? I first realized this with my tantruming 2-year old every time we left the playground, toy store, or playdate. I re-learned this when my middle schooler responded to my directives by walking away from me. I have heard parents complain that in response to their instructions, their child talks back, says no or later, asks for help, or says nothing at all. Regardless of the specific response, the behavior leaves us parents with feelings of frustration and anger.

What makes the situation worse is when we express our feelings in that moment. Don’t we have the right to show our disapproval and anger at our child’s disregard and disrespect for our words? The problem is that once we engage our children in a verbal discussion or argument, it becomes a power struggle. Once the struggle starts, we have lost the battle. We have completely given up our power. The question is, how do we regain our parenting power?

Here are some ideas for avoiding the power struggling and increasing the likelihood that your child will respond to your directive by simply saying “ok.”

• Engage your child in conversation throughout the day. This may seem like an unrelated thing to do. But, talking to your child at times when you are not telling him or her what to do helps to establish a positive relationship. By interacting positively more often, you are making sure that you are not just telling your child what to do but rather you are showing interest in their daily lives. This is especially effective for teenagers.

• Embed your instructions in conversation. Instead of blurting out the directive without any introduction, first compliment your child or have a brief conversation about something unrelated. Then present your instruction.

• Be sure to say thank you when your child listens. This is an opportunity to model gratitude. Give lots of praise and positive feedback as well.

• Offer a choice when you can. The choice can be when your child completes the task, in what order, or how s/he does it.

• Use what is called the Premack Principle - first you do what you need to do before you do what you want to do. For example, make going outside or playing video games contingent on finishing homework or taking the dog for a walk.

• Make a plan for yourself for the times your child does not listen to you so that you do not respond with anger and frustration. Take a deep breath, walk away, do an unrelated task, talk to your other children, etc. Go back to your child later and calmly talk to your child about what happened earlier and explain that you really need him/her to do what you asked. Have this conversation when you both have had time to calm down and return to a place when you can really listen to one another.

• Consider your child’s ability to do what you are asking. Perhaps s/he needs help initiating the task, figuring out when to do it, or determining what is needed. Provide this assistance and then fade your help over time.

  Sometimes, a little adjustment in our parenting approach can be enough to improve our child’s compliance while creating a positive relationship founded on mutual respect and communication. But, be patient with yourself. Doing things differently takes time and practice. The goal is not perfection. The goal is to make progress and experience improvement over time.

  How Do You Minimize Everyday Chaos? - Establish Routines

  Don’t we all crave predictability? When we know what is happening and what is expected of us, there is less stress and anxiety. Worrying and self-doubt often happen when we are not quite sure what is going to happen next and when. The not knowing is what can cause a downward spiral in our thoughts and behavior, lead to significant stress, and result in pain, fatigue, and illness. While we cannot always know next steps or anticipate outcomes, we can arrange the known variables in our life in such a way that we can relax and live each day to its fullest.

  One way to accomplish this is to establish daily routines that can create a sense of stability even if there are unknowns in our life. Children and young adults particularly thrive when they can follow daily routines that remain more or less the same. Establishing before school, after school, and nighttime routines is essential for promoting cooperation and minimizing frustration during otherwise chaotic times.

  The first step is to determine the steps in the routines. Here are samples of daily routines. Once you have created your routines (i.e., morning, after school, nighttime), you want to be sure all of your family members know those routines. Here are some tips on how you can easily communicate daily routines for you and your family:

• Post visual schedules in pictures for non-readers and words for readers so that everyone knows the plan for the day. This can be done via computer, chalkboard, bulletin board, or whiteboard. There are also many apps that help you create the schedules and either view them on a device or print them out. Cozi is a great app that can be shared with older children. Print weekly schedules and post them. You can also create a monthly calendar of family events and post the calendar. Everyone can look forward to enjoyable events and be prepared for those less preferred activities.

• Highlight changes and unusual events in your schedule and then discuss them ahead of time so that everyone knows what is going to happen.

• For children and adults who may have difficulty remembering all the tasks required during morning, after school, or nighttime routines, create a visual schedule of the specific steps involved in the routine. Some kids really like to check off completed steps while others like to see the routine outlined and posted in one place. Be sure to post it in a location that makes sense for the routine. For example, post the nighttime or morning dressing routine in the bedroom or bathroom.

• Use checklists and charts to outline chores, rules, and other expectations you would like to communicate (and track, i.e. chores). You can also use charts to track chore completion and make rewards easy to determine.

  Although routines require some work up front, the pay-off can be huge. You may find your family is on top of things, less stressed, and more cooperative. They may even start asking, “What’s the plan?” and “Where is the schedule?”.