As initially posted in Beyond Booksmart Blog: https://www.beyondbooksmart.com/executive-functioning-strategies-blog/how-to-get-your-child-to-listen-to-you-with-less-talking-back
One of the hardest parts of being a parent is realizing that your child will not always listen to what you say just because you say it. This is a tough nugget to swallow - shouldn’t children just listen to their parents? Isn’t it just enough to say: “Because I said so.”? I first realized this with my tantruming 2-year old every time we left the playground, toy store, or playdate. I re-learned this when my middle schooler responded to my directives by walking away from me. I have heard parents complain that in response to their instructions, their child talks back, says no or later, asks for help, or says nothing at all. Regardless of the specific response, the behavior leaves us parents with feelings of frustration and anger.
What makes the situation worse is when we express our feelings in that moment. Don’t we have the right to show our disapproval and anger at our child’s disregard and disrespect for our words? The problem is that once we engage our children in a verbal discussion or argument, it becomes a power struggle. Once the struggle starts, we have lost the battle. We have completely given up our power. The question is, how do we regain our parenting power?
Here are some ideas for avoiding the power struggling and increasing the likelihood that your child will respond to your directive by simply saying “ok.”
Engage your child in conversation throughout the day. This may seem like an unrelated thing to do. But, talking to your child at times when you are not telling him or her what to do helps to establish a positive relationship. By interacting positively more often, you are making sure that you are not just telling your child what to do but rather you are showing interest in their daily lives. This is especially effective for teenagers.
Embed your instructions in conversation. Instead of blurting out the directive without any introduction, first compliment your child or have a brief conversation about something unrelated. Then present your instruction.
Be sure to say thank you when your child listens. This is an opportunity to model gratitude. Give lots of praise and positive feedback as well.
Offer a choice when you can. The choice can be when your child completes the task, in what order, or how s/he does it.
Use what is called the Premack Principle - first you do what you need to do before you do what you want to do. For example, make going outside or playing video games contingent on finishing homework or taking the dog for a walk.
Make a plan for yourself for the times your child does not listen to you so that you do not respond with anger and frustration. Take a deep breath, walk away, do an unrelated task, talk to your other children, etc. Go back to your child later and calmly talk to your child about what happened earlier and explain that you really need him/her to do what you asked. Have this conversation when you both have had time to calm down and return to a place when you can really listen to one another.
Consider your child’s ability to do what you are asking. Perhaps s/he needs help initiating the task, figuring out when to do it, or determining what is needed. Provide this assistance and then fade your help over time.
Sometimes, a little adjustment in our parenting approach can be enough to improve our child’s compliance while creating a positive relationship founded on mutual respect and communication. But, be patient with yourself. Doing things differently takes time and practice. The goal is not perfection. The goal is to make progress and experience improvement over time.
How Do You Minimize Everyday Chaos? - Establish Routines
Don’t we all crave predictability? When we know what is happening and what is expected of us, there is less stress and anxiety. Worrying and self-doubt often happen when we are not quite sure what is going to happen next and when. The not knowing is what can cause a downward spiral in our thoughts and behavior, lead to significant stress, and result in pain, fatigue, and illness. While we cannot always know next steps or anticipate outcomes, we can arrange the known variables in our life in such a way that we can relax and live each day to its fullest.
One way to accomplish this is to establish daily routines that can create a sense of stability even if there are unknowns in our life. Children and young adults particularly thrive when they can follow daily routines that remain more or less the same. Establishing before school, after school, and nighttime routines is essential for promoting cooperation and minimizing frustration during otherwise chaotic times.
The first step is to determine the steps in the routines. Here are samples of daily routines. Once you have created your routines (i.e., morning, after school, nighttime), you want to be sure all of your family members know those routines. Here are some tips on how you can easily communicate daily routines for you and your family:
Post visual schedules in pictures for non-readers and words for readers so that everyone knows the plan for the day. This can be done via computer, chalkboard, bulletin board, or whiteboard. There are also many apps that help you create the schedules and either view them on a device or print them out. Cozi is a great app that can be shared with older children. Print weekly schedules and post them. You can also create a monthly calendar of family events and post the calendar. Everyone can look forward to enjoyable events and be prepared for those less preferred activities.
Highlight changes and unusual events in your schedule and then discuss them ahead of time so that everyone knows what is going to happen.
For children and adults who may have difficulty remembering all the tasks required during morning, after school, or nighttime routines, create a visual schedule of the specific steps involved in the routine. Some kids really like to check off completed steps while others like to see the routine outlined and posted in one place. Be sure to post it in a location that makes sense for the routine. For example, post the nighttime or morning dressing routine in the bedroom or bathroom.
Use checklists and charts to outline chores, rules, and other expectations you would like to communicate (and track, i.e. chores). You can also use charts to track chore completion and make rewards easy to determine.
Although routines require some work up front, the pay-off can be huge. You may find your family is on top of things, less stressed, and more cooperative. They may even start asking, “What’s the plan?” and “Where is the schedule?”.