Parenting is difficult enough on a regular day when the challenges are getting ready for school, getting to school on time, doing homework, and going to bed at a reasonable hour. Now, we must navigate life with children without any of these expected daily activities. And, we have to manage all of our children while working and keeping the house together without any of the routines, structures, suppots, and social outlets we are used to. How do we do this?
It is about getting back to basics.
Establish a new routine - Routines are more important than ever right now. Determine the routine that is best for you and your family. You can break up your day into morning, afternoon, and evening. Intersperse less preferred with more preferred activities, structured and unstructured activities, and collaborative and independent activities. Determine the routine based on your needs and responsibilities for the day. For example, schedule independent activities during a work call or while you are making dinner. Write the day’s schedule on a white/bulletin board or piece of paper. Include your child in the schedule-making process if you can. Be flexible with the schedule as you are able and within reason. Allow your child to ask to rearrange the order from time to time and honor that if you can.
Praise expected behaviors and ignore minor unexpected behaviors - This means showing your child that you appreciate and want to see more of wanted behavior. Example of behaviors to praise and appreciate: being helpful, talking nicely, doing a physical activity, accepting “no,” following the schedule, playing nicely with siblings, sharing, following directions, doing chores, completing school work, etc. You can say, “Thank you for listening” or “I really appreciate how nicely you are playing together.” This positive reinforcement will increase these behaviors in the future and create a more peaceful home. While you are praising and appreciating these positive behaviors, do your best to ignore minor inappropriate behaviors and redirect your child to the desired behavior. For example, when your child is whining, tell him/her to talk to you in a nice voice and then you will listen. Do not attend to the whining but rather model the appropriate asking.
You may want to also consider implementing a simple reinforcement program through which you highlight and reward specific behaviors, such as asking nicely, doing schoolwork, and playing cooperatively with siblings. Your child can earn marbles or cotton balls in different size jars. When the jar is full, your child can earn an ice cream party, new game for family game night, or special activity. Sticker charts work well also. It is important for your child to earn the small rewards and the backup reward quickly so that they understand the system.
3. Use First/Then - Throughout the day, you can ask your child to do things by using, First/Then language. For example, “First get dressed, then we can play a game” or “First, do your school work, then we can go for a walk.”
4. Consider additional support your child may need - Children who have learning, attention, behavioral, developmental, or social-emotional challenges may need additional support to help them manage their own anxiety and stress and to engage in appropriate and productive behaviors throughout the day. Consider reaching out to your school and outside providers for strategies.
Contact Lisa Gurdin for more individualized home-based supports at lsgurdin@gmail.com. Virtual parent coaching is now available.